How to Begin a Proper Killing Story

-->

Many stories begin this way- you know, with an announcement of how most stories begin. So how about we start with something else, for instance, this stapler. I would first like to describe it to you, being that you may not have come in contact with one until now- and because it is polite- that is, it is polite to describe things one cannot see.

This stapler is black. The kind of black you imagine at the bottom of a frozen lake lost in the middle of nowhere. It is the color of night without stars, the black of a voided space- it is the black of charred flesh just before a dusty grey ash settles upon it. Yes, this stapler is black…and because it is polite, I have described it to you- because you cannot see. I may have, however, left out a few important points. For one cannot simply recognize an object by its color, unless you believe the only object suited for red is an apple, which I can truly assure you- is not the case.  One example is its shape. See, if I had described this to you, you would’ve known that it is not your typical desk stapler. It does not sit perfectly proportioned to your stacks of paper in the corner of your cubicle. It does not await endless amounts of recycled parchment; click, clicking away at their corners. It does not jam when you press repetitively for its’ release of staples. It does not limit my creativity. It will not limit your appearance. So now you have it, as I stated earlier- my stapler has been described to you.

I might agree with you at this point that my description, being quite rudimentary, was both strangely placed and inefficiently described. But this too was my point about a story’s beginning. If I simply began with your death, would you have continued to read on? If I stated that you have moments left to live, would you have continued to read about my stapler? I think not. I believe you would have walked away, turned your nose up in amusement. Though at this point I find you to be rather a bore, you simply aren’t as talkative as I would have imagined. Even if I have turned you inside out…aren’t you happy I selected with care such a versatile tool to piece you back together? And you thought red was only suited for apples.